This might be a lengthy journal, so bear with me.
2014 proved to be one of the toughest years for me. There was a lot of loss and very little gain on my part, and most of it taking a huge toll on me both physically and mentally.
Psychiatric therapy continued, I moved to a new city to start my internship and I was left with very little to work from. A letter to someone I treasured once will be below. As a disclaimer, I'm not doing it to get her attention or anyone's for that matter. It's my way of finding a form of conclusion and just wanting to move on.
For 2015, my goals are to get a job and continue with my artwork. I'm hoping to get some juried and put on display at one of the local art galleries/ handmade craft store here in Kingston. My shells in particular, but since Rhys got me a new easel for X-Mas, I'm hoping some paintings as well. I have 2 in the works that are based after tarot cards. 2015 is going to be spent just rebuilding my life, continuing to do art and just live my life. At least, that's my hope for the new year - admittedly I'm not looking forward to turning 25 in a week
Be safe, have a happy New Year and bring on 2015!
Letter and whatnot starts here.
TL;DR - I forgive you for all the shit I had to deal with, and hopefully I can stop crying over a one-sided friendship and move on.
The early part of the year I lost a couple of people who were important to me. A friendship of 14 years ended in tears and mixed mindsets. I spent the remainder of this year feeling guilty, responsible for the way things went and a mess. I cried a lot, I was angry and filled with hatred. I kept flip-flopping on writing a letter, maybe just find some closure. Now is a good time to do so, I suppose.
I forgive you. Even though I was left to clean up the mess, unravelled any mental healing I had, and was forced to take matters to my family so I wouldn't end my own life to get out of a debt with that place you call a house of "healing". I almost died that day, I was almost institutionalized a second time. To you, that is just me 'acting out', 'seeking attention', and 'being immature'. You hated prescription drugs, you voiced how much you disliked their uses - even when you knew I was already through prescription #3, just hoping for my brain to be quiet.
I forgive you. Even though I was the only one hanging onto that tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, 'things would be different'. That maybe we could renew this old, 14 years too many of a friendship. I held on, even when you decided to let go. Maybe I was mentally disabled, maybe I was lost in our makeshift worlds, our little fantasies. It was all I had to keep me going, to keep making art.
I forgive you. Even though I hate the people you stay by, watching you become what I had originally knew was my best friend turn into a stranger. Maybe we just grew up, or more like I hung onto the ghosts of who we used to be. There were days I wondered if any of this meant anything to you, when it meant everything to me.
I told myself I would grieve until 2014 was over. It's New Year's Eve, tomorrow is 2015.
I forgive you. Just enough to forgive myself.